An open letter to all of my kin:
“What does it mean
to be somewhere? To be something?”
I wouldn’t expect
their puny human minds to understand the complexity of the story I’m about to
tell. I only ask you not to dare to try and question my supreme authority and
honesty. I’ve gone from well kept prisoner, to a god, to a celebrated ruler of
the greatest civilization on earth, to what I am now a … a humble philosocat.
Let me digress and start from the beginning. I had once been in the care of a
family by the name of Schrodinger. I was their prized possession; I was the
queen of the house. One day young Erwin, being the mindless oaf that I saw him
to be, placed me inside of a box. I tried to escape but not wanting to damage
my freshly bathed fur I decided a nap was a better plan of action. Though I
still consider his actions treason, in hindsight I should thank him. Maybe I’ll
send some boxed flowers…
When I awoke light had crept in through a hole in a box. I meowed hoping to be
saved but to no avail. I clawed my way out of the box and was greeted by tens
of thousands of human servants. Oh! How they cheered! I had returned to the
throne I knew I was always meant for. They renamed me Ubasti and gave me
command over their armies. I bathed in luxury, united the entirety of my new
kingdom and was worshipped and adored by all. One night my human puppet ruler
fell ill. His subjects snatched me from my golden throne, mind you this was
midway through my afternoon bath , threw me in another box and sealed it tight.
“How dare you! You know who I am! I’LL RULE OVER YOUR ENTIRE WRETCHED SPECIES
WHEN I GET OUT!” With nothing more to say I finished my bath and took a
disgruntled nap.
I awoke to the sound of bongos and synchronized meows. The top of the box was
lifted by many furry paws and fresh autumn air seeped into my lungs. “Welcome
back to the world our highness!” I jumped from the box to see an entire court
of impressive followers. There were Saber-toothed knights, Minx ninjas, sphinx
monks and Scottish Fold jesters. “You’ve been napping for sometime our lord.
We’ve done all the prophecy told us hoping for you to come back into the world.
You are now the supreme ruler of earth!” They all meowed a heavenly hymn in my
honor. I could have died in that moment and been happy… Though that would only
leave me with 8 or so more lives (no need to speak of the one time as a kitten
I chased my tail and fell from the second story into a trash bin).
We had eradicated most of the human race leaving only a select few to do our
bidding. These jobs mainly consisted of producing catnip, training our best
athletes with laser pointers, living displays at our animal houses, and of
course they retained their historical job of litter box cleaners. I was supreme
ruler, as if that was even questionable, and many moons passed under my ever
watchful eyes. The world was for once devoid of war, famine and fast food.
One fine spring day my human athletic trainer, a brutish man by the family name
of Caesar, tricked me into another box using his laser pointer. No doubt he
stabbed me in the back, the great cat queen herself, to use as leverage to free
some of their wretched kind. He locked me in and refused to listen to any of my
god-like decrees. Now, if I had learned anything by this time it was that once
you’re inside a box just about anything can happen. So I napped.
Rain slowly dripped onto my nose as a doorbell rang. Gravity softened its grip
as something picked up my box. The top opened and the face of a content looking
man greeted me. He didn’t seem to mind being owned by a cat. Why would he,
especially by one as great as myself. He changed my name once more to “Hugh;” I
thought naming me, especially a lady cat, after himself was a rather pompous
move to say the least. There I lived with the Everett’s until young Mark tried
to stuff me into another box. I clawed my attacker and darted off into the
night vowing to never be stuffed into one of those wretched things again. If I
am ever captured and forced into one of those things again I leave this letter
behind as a memoir so that my story may be told. Remember to always fear the
box and Cat-speed to whoever finds this letter.
With lots of purrs,
Fluffocrates
the Great
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